Blind Girl and Boyfriend
I got on the bus yesterday, and sat across from a couple. She was blind. Her eyes were oddly deformed, sunk deep in her head, two different sizes. The eye openings were small, like baby animals before their eyes open fully. She was slender, very delicate. She had medium length straight brown hair with bangs. Her sighted boyfriend, on the other hand, was big and very very fat. He seemed fat and soft, like there was no muscle underneath the fat. His chin ended at his chest. His thighs just bulged, and when he put one leg on the other, crossing his leg, I was surprised he could do it since his legs were so fat.
This fat guy had his arms around her, and stroked her hair like you'd pet a cat. He'd stop and hug her and hold her close close close between strokes. She leaned into him, all frail like, but taking it all in. Her arms were in front of her chest, like a praying mantis, her wrists all bent and frail looking, a white cane all folded up small in one hand. She snuggled into him and he had her enveloped. You could barely see her body with how fat he was plus how close he drew her to him. It was pure PDA, public display of affection, but they were so into each other.
I sat there half pissed off, jealous and full of self pity, like why don't I have that? Here's this blind girl whose getting more affection than I can remember getting ever. I've had touchy feely guys, but they touched out of habit. There was no thought there. Kind of absentminded rubbing. This was into you rubbing touching hugging. And she'd shift every so often, non reciprocal in touches, but only to move closer into him.
I half wondered if he had a hard on with so much intense direct contact, but I didn't look.
Anyway, I don't know what I was doing, maybe trying to feel better, trying to analyze, I dunno, but I looked at the guy, and he was not very attractive. I thought 'do I have to have an unattractive guy to get those goods?' I mean, if I date good looking guys, am I never going to have that level of affection? He wasn't attractive. Aside from being morbidly obese, he had bad skin and his mouth looked misshapen into a snarl. It wasn't a cleft palate, it was just snarly looking and protruding lips.
And then, out of nowhere, I thought,
"Love is blind!" and to my horror, I got this almost irrepressible urge to laugh. It was this sick sick sick feeling, like I was mocking them and guilty and sick and lonely and wishing and wanting to laugh at the same time.
I am so strange when it comes to laughing. I get urges to laugh at the most inappropriate times. It's a nervous thing sometimes. I don't know what this was. Anyway, so yeah, that was my day yesterday. I felt like shit about that. I felt sick about it. I'm over it now, a little. Just small twinges of guilt.
Change of subject:
Today I was walking to work and saw beautiful tree leaves scattered all over the sidewalk. It reminded me of rose petals on a bed. I thought of how romantic that gesture is, to sprinkle rose petals on a bed for someone. And then I noticed really how beautiful the leaves on the sidewalk looked, and it occurred to me that it's like God doing the rose petal thing for me, only with leaves. And suddenly, it became more than beautiful, it became a gift.
Messes and Creativity
I used to side with the creative types who thought organization hindered creativity, but not anymore. I thought about it, and having been on both ends, messy and neat, I think that organization does not hinder creativity.
The random ideas fostered by extreme dissary or messes are enjoyable. You look at a pile of crap, and something comes to mind, and it's beautiful. But most of the time, that's where it ends. You see another pile of crap, something else comes to mind, and either the first idea vanishes, or the random ideas pile up. But nothing gets actually created. The mess keeps your mind so random, and keeps your brain processing at a really fast pace. But randomness doesn't always equal creativity.
I've noticed that organization helps creativity because you can follow thru. I mean, what slob of a painter could paint if he or she could never find the right paintbrush under all the crap? Or couldn't decide what to paint, or after he or she decided, couldn't feel good about starting the painting because the place was such a mess, needed cleaning, etc...
So my argument is that organization is necessary not for creative ideas, but to be able to follow thru on them. You can't take an art project all the way if you can't pause long enough to think about it without distractions. Or have the space to think it thru. Some things can be flash inspirations, but often, good art needs to be thought through.
I remember a neighbor saying she didn't want to take a photo class because she feared it would take away from her creativity. I argued it wouldn't. First off, no class can teach creativity. Nor can it take it away. I argued that unless her creative outcomes were the results of technical errors, all a photo class would do is help her technically. What happens is you have fewer errors. You know what to fix in advance. More of your pictures come out, because you know what to look for and what to correct for. Like being a painter who only has one brush stroke. You go and learn a bunch more brush strokes. Its not going to make you less creative. It just gives you the capacity to complete your vision more efficiently.
It occurred to me that very good artists are probably very organized.
I hate it when guys say "I don't judge guys," because it's a homophobe phrase.
I have always interpreted it as,
"Please don't think I want a dick in my ass although I'm not so sure..."
The boyfriend had mentioned a rock star, saying, "I don't judge guys but he's the coolest looking guy I have ever seen."
I said, "Would you have sex with him?"
He said no.
I said, "You look like him." My boyfriend said that's a compliment. But the craziest thing is he really looks like him, and I find it supremely narcissistic and I feel very strange about it. I think it's weird to see someone who looks just like you and find them fascinating and beautiful.
Or maybe not. Heck, sometimes I'm totally narcissistic. But it's me in love with myself. There's no one else involved. Pure narcissism. Displaced narcissism is disturbing.
When I was young, people said I looked like Valerie Bertinelli. I was disappointed because I didn't find her beautiful. (She's more cute than beautiful)
My boss borrowed 3 of my cd's and only returned 1. When I asked about the others, he said he gave them back. He only returned one. I'm so irritated. My job is horrific, and listening to good music (albeit very quietly) is one of the few things that make my job easier to handle. Thank you, Silica and Vinegar Man for sending me CD's when I said I was in a music drought. Too bad my boss is taking them.
Boyfriend right now is sitting on the couch by me. Earlier today we went to a local fair. To our utter surprise, we found spinach wraps--filled with brown rice, beans, spinach and cilantro. Low fat, and vegetarian. I told the server girl to thank her boss for offering that. Right now, due to my fat ass, I'm not eating deep fried stuff, and the thought of fair fare was daunting. A couple years ago, at the fair, we ate fried zucchinni and something else fat laden. Then we went on a ride and it was so gross. All that grease swishing around inside. Boyfriend felt sick the rest of the day. Anyway, the Boyfriend bought a toy. Power Player. It is a game cartrige you hook up to the tv. It's got 76,000 old skool games on it. $35. As of now, you can't get it cheaper, not even on ebay. I checked. I'm sure it the price will drop in a week, but he's stoked. He will be occupied for hours.
I watched
House of Flying Daggers yesterday. That is the most beautiful movie I've ever seen in my life. The story line was like eh, I thought the ending sucked, but otherwise visually breathtaking. My eyes were glued. So many colors. It was beautiful. Each shot was art. wow wow wow. I've never been glued to a screen before. Usually I zone out. My eyes were wide open the whole time.
There were some things that bothered me though. How many times in one film can the hero be surrounded in a circle by the bad guys and fight them off? I got sick of that. The protagonist would be surrounded by a whole bunch of people ready to attack him/her, and fight all of them off. Then in the next scene, one person would attack them, and they'd have a hard time fighting that one person. If it takes a five minute fight sequence to kill a band of 6, all with weapons, how come it takes another five minute fight sequence just to wound a single person? I don't buy that crap about levels of martial arts. But anyway, otherwise, it was beautiful beautiful beautiful. I wish I had that kind of eye for color. I'd decorate my whole apartment like that.
I bought the dvd of Crouching Tiger/Dragon for one beautiful shot, when the princess is in her bedroom. I was all oh wow how gorgeous...and I bought the dvd for that one shot. I should have waited for this movie. I was blown away by every shot. So gorgeous. Especially the bamboo field.
Hm, bad news. Boyfriend just told me there really aren't 76000 games on the thing. He said they're all the same as he's scrolling down the list. There are still quite a few though.
What do you eat?
Here's something that pisses me off. When I ask a non meat eater what they eat, they hem and haw and try not to tell me. I stopped eating farmed animals several years ago. It wasn't all that hard. Over the past 10 years, I've done it on and off, although this time has been the longest. I'm not vegetarian, because very occasionally, I'll eat seafood. And yes, that makes me feel guilty.
Anyway, one thing I like is variety. And occasionally, I get fuckin' sick of bean burritos or pasta marinara. I will ask my friends who don't eat meat, "What do you eat?" So I can get ideas for meals.
Half the time, they try to avoid answering. I don't get it.
My meals are usually quick and easy. I don't have the time or patience to cook elaborate meals when I come home starving. Breakfast, I have tea. Lunch, I eat cereal. By dinnertime, I'm ravenous, and I need to eat right now.
Today, my boyfriend had this genious idea:
"Lets make hamburgers," he said, "We can use meatless patties."
So we did.
We used Morningstar Farms Garden Vegetable patties.
We used Roman Meal multi grain burger buns. I sprayed the buns with some butter flavored spray very lightly, and toasted them under the broiler until just toasty.
I microwaved the patties. I chopped up onion, tomatoes, lettuce, and pulled out some pickle slices and ketchup and mustard. I thought,
"No grease and multi grain buns. These are going to taste like shit."
But lo and behold, they tasted good, like junk food! The buns were processed enough to where they weren't dense and healthy like. They were light and tasted deliciously non nutritious. I think it's important to toast the buns. I put a dollop of fat free mayo on each bun top. Then I squirted some mustard on the patty, and added ketchup. The ketchup came out too fast, and I got too much on my patty. I just left it.
That mistake turned out to be the saving grace. (what's that word for when you make a mistake but it turns out good? I forgot) I realized, while eating the thing, that a hamburger patty on a fast food burger doesn't have much flavor. McD's burgers taste sort of liverish. They are mostly just chewy-ness. The flavor comes from the mass amounts of the ketchup/mustard mix, and the strong pungency of pickle.
I remember thinking of that 'if it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face' ad. It was them trying to justify their use of lots of ketchup and mustard.
It is crucial to use a lot of ketchup and mustard, and allow them to mix without mixing them. Each item is important. You need the lettuce for the crunch. The faux meat patty for the chewyness. The pickle slices give it the fast food place extra flavor. I added some Tony Chachere salt (thanks Silica) to it as well. I am not kidding, it tasted like a fast food burger. And not that nasty ass veggie burger from Burger King. It tasted like a meat burger from Burger King.
So to make up for anyone with my problem, anyone who is looking for meatless meal ideas but has nowhere to go, I'll post my discoveries on here. Feel free, those of you who are generous, to email me recipes. Put them somewhere. Because I'm sure I'm not the only one looking for them.
Also, as a side note, I wasn't kidding about the taste. It tasted like a burger King burger. Not McD's, not Wendy's, not In and Out. More like Burger king. But no guilt. And not much fat, either.
As for the vegetarians who argue that it's wrong to eat veggie products that emulate meat, I think that's stupid. Because it's not like the thing is in the shape of a cow. Its more that people try to make flesh look like food. A cow in its natural state doesn't look like a hamburger patty. I am so grossing myself out right now. But anyway, follow my argument? I don't think there's anything wrong with fake meatballs or fake hamburger patties. Even though some vegetarians do. Maybe if you fuckin' gave up your recipes we wouldn't have to use them now, ever thought of that you bastards? Okay, sorry.
Well, I hope you're inspired. If not, that's okay too.
I did Bikram yoga today at home, (hot yoga) without the 110 degree heat and I magically condensed an hour and a half workout into 20 minutes! What my mom calls lazy, I call efficient.
I've lost 25 lbs. Mostly by making substitutions in my diet. Like reduced fat cheese instead of fat ass cheese, etc.
Sort of a modified McDougall plan. Modified because I'm not so strict, but I think he's got the best thing out there. It's the only plan that hasn't made me sick/hungry, etc... although I only stick to it 70% of the time.
Huge problem was lunch at work. I hate making lunch to take to work, and buying lunch means no control over fat content, calorie content, health content. Like my boyfriend ordering a tuna sandwich at Subway thinking tuna was good for him. The thing had 60 grams of fat. (I was like, "Mayo!" but still, 60 grams of fat is more than a big mac) I worked for a French chef, Pierre, and he made an apple tarte tatin that fed four. He put a pound of butter in it. I am not kidding. (fuckin' thing was delicious!)
I am absolutely sure that anyone who ate it had no idea they just injested a quarter pound of butter. For real, I am not kidding, that's a whole stick of butter. That scared me. You have no idea what goes into your food at restaurants.
So back to the topic: eating lunch at work. I tried keeping sandwich items at work, to make sandwiches, but that didn't do it. I tried veggie hot dogs and microwaved those for a while, but that got old really fast, cup o noodles tastes like salty styrofoam to me. I just had the worst time with the whole work lunch thing. I don't do mornings well, so packing a lunch didn't cut it, leftovers didn't always work since we don't always have leftovers. It was a huge problem.
I finally found a solution: Cereal.
I have like 4 boxes of cereal at work. For my different moods...Kashi, some Kellogg's smart start with antioxidants--which has hydrogenated oils in it. Hm, antioxidants...they prevent cancer, but hydrogenated stuff has been linked to cancer...what's the point??? And yesterday, my favorite cereal of all time was on sale: Cocoa Puffs. Dang, I love that stuff. I just went for it. Then here's the grownup part of me: "I'll mix it with Kix, which will cut the sugar content..." and so that's what I did. Still got the chocolatey sugar thing, but felt a little better about cutting out some of the sugar.
And now, my work lunch problem solved. If I get bored, I switch cereal. It's fast, easy, cheap, filling. I don't eat breakfast (I don't do mornings well, that includes eating) so it's like brunch.
I've been thinking about this whole problem solving thing. Like my lunches.
Somewhere, I think it contains the secret of a happy life. I haven't figured it out yet. But it's all about problem solving on all levels. Like I wanted to lose weight without suffering. So I started making substitutions here and there. Non fat refried beans instead of fatty. Baked tortilla chips instead of fried. Fat free starches instead of meat. Japanese restaurants instead of Mexican. Lunch at work instead of out.
In my office, its all a matter of subtle restructuring. What works, what doesn't. Paper near the fax machine. (Instead of in the closet) A centralized reference area. All these little shifts I've made, for better function. Okay, wholly meaning to brag, I can find stuff in my office. I have created an office where I find things. Things do not get lost for days, weeks, months. If they do get lost, it's because someone has removed it from my office.
It's all about problem solving. But I need to take it to the level of my life, not just my job.
So back to the yoga. I did yoga today. The Bikram series. I forget how many poses, but I did them. Really fast, like I'd hold a pose for 5 seconds instead of minutes. I have not excercised in a long time. I just hate it. Unless its dancing, I don't like excercising. But I know yoga makes my body feel good, and I want to be limber, otherwise you just start moving like an old person. The problem was I didn't feel like devoting an hour and a half to doing yoga in my living room. I didn't want to pay $15 per session doing it in a hot room somewhere with sweat all over the place. So I just did it in my living room, really fast, and for once in my life, I think that was good enough.
I have always been an all or nothing person. I'm not kidding. A few years back, I wanted to get into shape, so I took 5 P.E. classes at school. I was working out 3 hours per day. I got in shape. Really good shape. And I jogged on my days off. And there's no way anyone can keep that up other than athletes or full time students. So I quit altogether, and lo and behold: I got really fat. I don't want to work out 3 hours a day. So I didn't work out at all. All or nothing.
Today, I felt like doing some yoga or something. So I did a bit. Just a little. I even skipped a few poses. But it felt okay. I think I need to embrace the whole part about doing just as much as I want, not as much as I think I should, etc...
It's problem solving. The problem is I don't want to be miserable. So I just need to find little ways to have what I want and be happy at the same time. Like enough yoga to make me feel good and not miserable. I don't want to think I am going to lose an hour and a half forcing pain on myself. But if I did just as much as I wanted, for the amount of time I wanted, then its' all good.
As I made lunch today, I noticed that I like to put spaghetti in my parmesan/romano cheese.
Delicioso!
Went to the library today, and got flashbacks of me as a kid. Lately been having childhood flashbacks. don't know why. depression. wonder if that has anything to do with it. been depressed, waiting for it to go away, but its not. been a couple of weeks now. (i mean, worse than my normal set usual state of depression) remembered how i'd wander thru libraries as a child. Loved to read. got so mad when I was eleven and all the books for kids were about twelve year olds. i think i almost swore i'd write a book about an eleven year old for all the eleven year olds out there, but i don't remember what it was like to be that old, so i couldn't do it now. lived a lot in my head as a kid. i'd have been the one singled out by abductors, i think. quiet. alone. in her head a lot. not loud and screaming and playing like other kids. I felt that again today, out of the library. that quiet in my head place i used to live in as a child. i need to go somewhere. vacation or something, even if its just overnight.
PIc I took. Two random little girls (not part of the wedding party) approached the bride. The blonde girl asked if she could touch the dress.
1st Grade Pinata
Special day in 1st grade, the teacher brings a pinata, strings it on a clothesline between two tetherball poles. All the kids took blindfolded turns swinging at it with a stick. It had to be a donkey pinata. I don't think there was anything else back then.
Candy flew everywhere. Each kid had a white styrofoam cup in their hand. Everyone scrambled over the candy, greedily grabbing it off the dirty black playground asphalt. Everyone but me. My teacher asked me why I wasn't going after the candy.
I just stood there with my cup looking down. I couldn't tell her why because I didn't have the word 'undignified' in my vocabulary yet. She made each kid put a peice of candy in my cup. (nice lady) That's one of those strangely odd memories that comes back to me every now and then.
I wonder why it is some moments stay with us forever, while others disappear? I look at my old journals and I don't remember who people were that I obviously had friendships with. The people and moments have completely gone from my memory. Years later, I'm reading about the adventures I had with Kim or Jordan and I don't even remember them. Yet there it is in print. But I remember 1st grade, and a teacher asking me why I wasn't scrambling for candy on the ground.
I felt ashamed on more than one level. Ashamed of everyone for acting like greedy pigs and ashamed of myself for not joining in. And first grade, you're like five or six, right? That's still close to toddlerhood when your parents freaked out on you if you picked something up off the ground and ate it. I vaguely think that had something to do with it. But also all that grabbing. It was distasteful. I must have been such a proper little first grader.
My mom used to put my hair in such tight pigtails it gave me chinky eyes. Tighter than Mexican toddler girl pigtails. What torturous thing is that all about? Seriously, why would someone do that to their kid? It hurts. From now on, if I see a girl with tight pigtails, I am going to say to the parent, "Too bad her pigtails are so tight. It detracts from how cute she is." Maybe they'll ease up and I can spare a little girl some pain.
I am so fucking broke. I cannot go to the atm because I have less than $20 in there. I can't even grocery shop. Yesterday, I ate only half my lunch so I could eat the other half today.
That sounds pathetic, but actually it was a really big lunch and it would have been hard to finish. Humor me. Right now, I need to indulge in self pity.
Of my two paychecks per month, one goes to rent, the other to bills. (woe/me) Here's the kicker: my rent paycheck is gone! And not on rent. Where did it go? I was feeling really generous and bought my brother a gift card, but that was the only thing out of the ordinary. So where did the rest of it go? I need to pay more attention. I bought two used cd's. There's another $18 accounted for. I tipped a bartender. I have some kind of income amnesia. I'm also bored of self pity. On to another topic.
Good news: I found a chocolate almond milk that's dairy free. It's good. It's got that weird thick milky thing going on so I was slightly grossed out because it was so similar to milk. Milk grosses me out. I like cheese and yoghurt, but milk is yucky. I'm a lacto-hypocrite. I love finding stuff I can have without guilt.
So my boss and coworker were eating meatball sandwiches today and it smelled good, even though I quit cow many years ago. I'm going to try those veggie meatballs. I wonder how long I can cook them in a red sauce. I'll make it really garlicky. See if I can find whole wheat buns and toast them and put the fake meatballs on them. Make my own vegetarian meatball sandwich. That is such an oxymoron. Vegetarian meatball. That will be my next culinary experiment. Lots of mushrooms too.
Today I over-roasted some asparagus, and the tips came out all crunchy. But it was really good, like a potato chip. Roasted asparagus is yum! Just put them in the oven at about 375 after spraying them with just a tiny bit of olive oil spray. Then a little salt and pepper and its a good snack. They come out roasty tasting and not all slimy like the steamed/boiled version. Just don't overcook them like I did today. Take them out before the tips are crunchy.
If anyone has any good low to no fat, non flesh fare, gimme the recipe! No fat, no flesh! Mmm, that will be the title of my cookbook: "The No Fat No Flesh Cookbook," by Tampons And Ramen. Delicioso!
To make the drugery of my job more tolerable, aside from bringing in and hiding my gourmet teas and coffees, (Folgers is nasty!) I've been bringing cd's to work and playing them quietly. But what strikes me as curious is my boss now borrows my cd's and sticks them in his computer to play while he works. I find this odd because he likes Journey and Foreigner (you young 'uns won't have a clue) and my stuff is really far from that. Dido was one of the used cd's I bought. He referred to her as Dildo, but borrowed her nonetheless. He's jumping genres. You aren't supposed to do that.
My taste is eclectic, but it still stays within certain bounds. Gay bounds. If you'd hear it in a gay bar or gay club (gay male) I like it. I have an Eartha Kitt cd. How gay is that??? (she played Catwoman on the old batman series. She has this purry voice, perfect for a piano bar) One time, after dancing in a gay club in Palm Springs (sorry for the redundancy) I called and I was all, "what was that one song, the one with all the percussion..." and the guy was like, "Oh, that's Safri duo!"
I think it odd that my boss borrows my gay music.
Today, for my belated birthday, Silica Lipobo sent me some cd's. Thank you so much, if you're reading this. Thank goodness, I will have more to take to work. It really helps. I"m listening to groove armada as I write this!
Okay, I've written enough for tonight. I'm going to work on a grocery list. I'm also going to attempt a fat free nacho supreme thing. See, this whole eating healthy stuff is okay. Like I made roasted veggies tonight and had an orange for dessert. But it doesn't cut it the whole time. I have to come up with healthy alternatives for crap food. We (boyfriend and I) found these blue corn tortilla chips that are baked. I think I'm going to cover them in veggie refried beans, diced tomatoes, onions, cilantro, maybe fake soy meat, some reduced fat cheddar, and then pig out on them. I came up with that idea today. I pretended I was doing some work in excel each time my boss walked into my office, but really it was a grocery list. "Baked corn chips. Cilantro. Fake meatballs."
He just wanted to get a cd.
When Margaret Cho said she grew up without glue and tape, and that her mother told her to use rice instead, my mouth dropped open and I immediately called my brothers. I thought that experience was exclusive to us. And when she said she got squid and peanuts in her lunchbox, and said, "You can't trade that," I was aghast. I remembered my un-tradable food. Took me back to the first grade, when someone asked what I was eating.
"rice and seaweed."
Mind you, this was pre eighties, before sushi became chic, and pre-pre nineties, when you can get california rolls in 7-11.
The girl pointed, and screamed to everyone, "Eeew, she's eating seaweed!"
I might as well have been eating a dog turd.
Did I already put this in my blog? I rented a Margaret Cho dvd and it brought all the memories back.
Margaret Cho is an artist. Really and truly.
